ineedanepiphany: (Exhaustion)
[CW: Some suicidal ideation]

Year 20, 5 September

My father told me once that he kept a journal when he was in school. In hindsight, I think he must not have actually meant to tell me that. I think he wants me to know as little about him as possible. My own father. Imagine.

I’ve decided to keep a journal too. Maybe, at last, with no one to read this, then I can start being honest.

I bought this notebook from the school bookstore. The cover is an artwork by an artist I don’t know. Jean-Michel Basquiat. It looks like graffiti and poetry all in one. I think Taehyung and Namjoon would have really liked it. Maybe I’ll get another one and mail it back for Tae. I’ll make a whole care package for everyone.

I promised Jungkook I’d video chat with him after I finished unpacking. I thought I could stay up in time but my eyes were so heavy I slept right through our promised time. He said it’s okay but it doesn’t feel okay. How many times have I let him down now?

I could have had more time with them. Student housing isn’t actually supposed to open for incoming first years freshmen until 20 September. The condition for moving in early is that I have to help with the orientation for international students because I speak Korean and English. I could have stayed in Seoul a little longer. Softened the blow, maybe.

But I don’t belong anymore.

I haven’t belonged with them since the principal made me give up the classroom. “Made me.” One threat about my father and I crumbled. There were so many chances for me to be honest and tell the others. When I saw Yoongi’s expulsion letter, I thought my heart was going to stop and I’d just die right there. I can’t help but think maybe it’d be better if I had.

I decided to leave early because I thought it would do less damage.

No, that’s a lie. I decided to run away.

Even on paper, with no one to read, I try to cover up the wrongs I did. Make them sound better than they do.

In California, I can’t do anymore damage.
ineedanepiphany: (Destructing room)
Tonight, Jungkook died and Yoongi lived to hate him. Before that, Taehyung was arrested. And before that, they all died in a traffic crash, no idea where Yoongi had gone. Seokjin is too late every single time and every time the world fractures and realigns itself around him and he wakes up again and it's April 11.

He wonders what his neighbors must think when, some mornings, Seokjin is still screaming when he wakes up, hands grasping for people who aren't there anymore or his body curled protectively over someone as they're hit by a truck. Again and again and again, Seokjin never gets it right and the whole things starts once more.

Now, every morning, he begins by going to his wall and drawing a new map, triangulating the motels where he's found Yoongi in each loop. His time is limited. He's stuck waiting for the right moment to approach Namjoon, to act like it doesn't hurt him all the way into the corners of his soul when Namjoon sees him for the first time in two years, every time. Seokjin acts casual but he wonders if there are any timelines where Namjoon can see the heartbreak on his face.

It doesn't matter as long as Namjoon's okay.

He has to act at the right moment to stop Namjoon and then race to find Jungkook. Most tries he makes it. Some, he doesn't. The only benefit to the way he keeps looping back in time is that he doesn't have time to sleep, which means he can't have nightmares about Jungkook's crumpled body cradled by the spiderweb cracks of his windshield or hideously broken on the pavement or thrown nearly into the dashboard from the back seat because he didn't buckle up. He's seen them die so many times now, so many ways, and he just wants it all to stop.

Instead, he gets it wrong somehow every time, and it all shatters and forms again. Today, he wakes up curled around nothing on his narrow bed. His hands grasp for someone who's not there. His shoulders ache. When he gets to the mirror, Seokjin checks himself for bruises and finds none. Is it possible to carry back the bruises from car crashes or intercepting punches or bodies falling onto him? So far, he's looked the same every time, as far as he can tell. Except maybe, today, the circles under his eyes are dark and bruiselike.

Hunting in the suitcase that goes back to being half unpacked every single morning, Seokjin finds eye de-puffer in his cosmetics. He'd say a thankful prayer but none of them are being answered anyway. Gently, he taps it under his eyes and then gets up, finding his marker and paper so he can tape them to the wall and start again.

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Seokjin (HYYH RP)

April 2019

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