[Year 20, 5 September, Jin's Diary]

[ineedanepiphany]

[CW: Some suicidal ideation]

Year 20, 5 September

My father told me once that he kept a journal when he was in school. In hindsight, I think he must not have actually meant to tell me that. I think he wants me to know as little about him as possible. My own father. Imagine.

I’ve decided to keep a journal too. Maybe, at last, with no one to read this, then I can start being honest.

I bought this notebook from the school bookstore. The cover is an artwork by an artist I don’t know. Jean-Michel Basquiat. It looks like graffiti and poetry all in one. I think Taehyung and Namjoon would have really liked it. Maybe I’ll get another one and mail it back for Tae. I’ll make a whole care package for everyone.

I promised Jungkook I’d video chat with him after I finished unpacking. I thought I could stay up in time but my eyes were so heavy I slept right through our promised time. He said it’s okay but it doesn’t feel okay. How many times have I let him down now?

I could have had more time with them. Student housing isn’t actually supposed to open for incoming first years freshmen until 20 September. The condition for moving in early is that I have to help with the orientation for international students because I speak Korean and English. I could have stayed in Seoul a little longer. Softened the blow, maybe.

But I don’t belong anymore.

I haven’t belonged with them since the principal made me give up the classroom. “Made me.” One threat about my father and I crumbled. There were so many chances for me to be honest and tell the others. When I saw Yoongi’s expulsion letter, I thought my heart was going to stop and I’d just die right there. I can’t help but think maybe it’d be better if I had.

I decided to leave early because I thought it would do less damage.

No, that’s a lie. I decided to run away.

Even on paper, with no one to read, I try to cover up the wrongs I did. Make them sound better than they do.

In California, I can’t do anymore damage.