ineedanepiphany | (no subject)

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He doesn't actually know what to say to Yoongi, isn't exactly sure how to even say it to himself. It's scary to talk about but of the six of them, he think Yoongi has a better idea of who he is than most. They're the closest in age and, Seokjin thinks, Yoongi is one of the most observant of them all. Seokjin, though intensely private, isn't a stone.

He has his giveaways, just like anyone else. He just wishes they weren't tells to such big, uncomfortable secrets. If he could just conform, it would be easier, but he stupidly has to inject hope where it doesn't belong. Sometimes he sees the way Jimin's eyes linger on Hoseok, his mouth pursing when they talk about their noona at their studio. He shouldn't encourage that. He also shouldn't talk about his future and leave the gender of his partner undecided. It's just that not doing that feels like too much of a lie, when he can't even talk about it.

Waiting for Yoongi to arrive, Seokjin fidgets. He makes hot water for tea, peruses the fridge, gets out a bag of crackers and then puts it back and takes it out again. He should offer a snack, after all.

He just waits, uncomfortably, for that knock on the door.

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Truthfully, it's a relief to be invited over to Jin's place to study. Yoongi worried a little that he might have pushed too far on Twitter yesterday, but Jin wouldn't have invited him over if that were the case. So they're fine and they'll get some work done and, for as much as Yoongi teases Jin, he loves his company, too. He may not say it all that often, but being around Seokjin is kind of comforting somehow.

He shows up only a little bit later than he means to, knocking at the door and leaning against the wall. It's been a weird few days. Being around Jin will be better, safer.

"Yoongi, come in!" He's at the door in an instant, waving his friend in. There's an edge of nervous energy that hums beneath his skin that he tries to keep under control. He can't just spring what he wants to say onto Yoongi right out of the gate, even though it prickles the back of his head uncomfortably.

"I can make tea if you want. And there's some crackers on the table. If you stay for dinner, I'll get us something. Or cook." Assuming Yoongi wants to stay that long. The fear is still there that maybe he's read this wrong and it's going to get him hurt.

For a moment, Yoongi feels incredibly guilty. Jin is always so fucking nice to them — to him — so thoughtful under that bright, even foolish exterior. It's all show, Yoongi knows, a cover for how damn much he cares. And how does he repay him? By being a fucking asshole. Making stupid jokes that only halfway feel like jokes sometimes, that no one else wants to hear. That no one else should have to hear. Or by pushing too much, making things uncomfortable, when he knows that aspect of himself is something better played close to the chest.

Here he is, though, and Jin doesn't seem mad at him. A little nervous, maybe, but sometimes Jin is just flighty, and it can be hard to tell the difference.

"Tea sounds good," he says, nodding. Leaving his shoes by the door, he heads over to the table to set his backpack down. "We'll worry about dinner when we get to it. How are you?" Everything okay? he wants to ask, but he feels too delicate today, too much like he's just prying and might hurt someone if he's not careful.

"Me? I'm fine," Seokjin says. He devotes his attention to making up two mugs with green tea and carries them over to the table where his books are already sitting out. One scribbled-on piece of paper attests to him trying to start his math homework and quickly getting frustrated. "I still hate trigonometry, but I'm fine."

The page is useless and Jin crumples it up so they can start fresh when they properly study. If they properly study. He's not sure if he should come right out about it or if he should restrain himself from scaring Yoongi right out the gate.

"What about you?"

Yoongi pulls a face. "Fine," he says, because that seems like the only word that covers it, even if it also doesn't come anywhere near how he feels. It's been an okay week, better than last week. He's still floating along on the memory of Jimin's party and his Christmas shopping trip with Jungkook, but being back in school after that is disappointing, too. Everything has just gone back to normal.

And it's fine, because that's how it should be. That's how it's going to stay.

"You know. School is the worst, but what else is new?"

"School is always the worst," Seokjin says as somberly as he can. "It's even worse when you're taking some of the same classes twice." Stupid American system. Seokjin hadn't had the credits to graduate American high school even though he'd technically been a senior and then once he came back to South Korea, it was as if it hadn't mattered anyway and now here he is, repeating his final year.

America is so different. Maybe that's his opening. It's in America where he figured out that part of himself anyway.

"Sometimes I wish I was back there and sometimes I hope I never have to see America again."

Yoongi arches an eyebrow at that, pulling out a chair and easing into it, one leg tucked up under himself. America sounds kind of cool in theory and he'd like to travel someday, but he's not sure about living there. It seems like kind of a mess.

"But you miss it anyway," he says. "What do you miss about it?" It's not something they've ever really talked about, which seems kind of silly, actually. Maybe it's just that the rest of them never think to ask.

He wonders if Jin's friends in America were more attentive, the way he should be.

Seokjin nods, tracing the edge of his mug with a fingertip. "Less pressure," he says, because he's thought about it a lot. "Or different pressure. Everyone's still fighting to do well but it's not as cutthroat. The teachers tried to make you believe that everything you did in high school mattered but we knew it didn't. Not the way it does here."

He lowers his voice, as if Yoongi will really judge him. "Some of my friends there took me to a Pride Parade. Some of us were a little scared but for most people, they don't have to hide that thing from their families. Some of their parents even dropped them off." Seokjin wouldn't dare consider it here. In Seoul, the noose of his father's influence and reputation is a much tighter.

Yoongi knows about Pride Parades, but it's not something he can ever imagine attending. Maybe if his father didn't know what he was doing, it would be fine in theory; his dad would only care if he found out, if someone saw him there. But being outwardly open like that, being somewhere someone might think — might know — he's not straight — the idea of it is unnerving.

But it sounds liberating, too. Not to have to hide. Not to have to care what anyone else thinks. He's not brave like Taehyung, second-guesses himself too much for that, and god, he wishes he were different. Stronger, maybe, or straighter, something better than this, half a foot out of the closet while he jokes with his friends, never able to do more than that.

"I can't even imagine our parents letting us go," he says. "Never mind dropping us off." He hesitates, licks his lips. Lets out a small confession, hoping it's not a mistake to say even this much. "It sounds nice, though."

"My father would probably have had me yanked out of the program if he ever knew," Seokjin says, unable to hide a smile. Going to Pride had ended up being the least of his sins in that arena. Which, now, he's about to tell Yoongi. His heart is pounding and Seokjin is gripping the mug so tightly he thinks it might well break in his grasp. Yoongi can probably see it, read his nerves. Maybe he's even about to guess what's coming next.

"I kissed a boy for the first time at that parade."

There. He's said it. The words are out in the air, something he's never spoken of since his return from America. Sometimes he's too afraid to even think of the words, the experiences he had there. He's desperately hoping that he hasn't read this wrong, that maybe it won't come as too shocking because he and Yoongi aren't so different.

Yoongi's brow arches and he blinks in surprise, leaning forward against the table. "You what," he says flatly. It's not that he can't imagine Seokjin liking boys. It's just never occurred to him that, apart from Taehyung, he might not be alone in this group.

He wishes he'd had a more appropriate response, but it's out now. Like Jin.

"The last time I kissed a boy, I was five," he offers. It seems fair enough to mention, a roundabout way of saying he's right here with him, though five-year-olds do some weird shit that doesn't necessarily reflect on their future sexuality. His early batch of boyfriends and girlfriends don't seem quite as important as this, though. "I didn't — you're gay?"

He knows enough to know the next logical thought: Jin's father would kill him.

"Not gay," Seokjin corrects, his throat constricted. "Bisexual." It's an identity he's had a lot of opportunities to come to terms with. Or, at least, he had, back in America. Back in Seoul, back under the careful eye of his father's expectations and media scrutiny that's ready to pounce on any crack in a chaebol's armor, he'd carefully and methodically returned to the Seokjin he played before. He's friendly, polite, and distant from any potential scandal.

Yoongi's face is hard to read but Seojin's had practice and he can see the micro emotions that his friend won't speak.

"I don't do anything about it here though."

Yoongi flushes, heart racing, and he wants it to stop immediately. It's not like it bothers him that Seokjin is bisexual. He doesn't want to do anything that might give him the impression that it does. If anything, he wants to ask him why he doesn't do anything about it, but he doesn't think he needs to. It's not like he does anything with his own feelings. He can't judge Jin for holding back.

"It's hard to do anything here," he says instead. It makes him nervous. It's hard not to fear that even talking about this comes too close to outing himself, hard not to want to now that Jin's opened himself up to him. They're the same. The idea of it makes his palms sweat, anxiety spiking, but he seizes on it all the same. Under the panic, there's a current of relief. "But you're telling me now. Which is good, but why?"

Seokjin feels like a stalling car when Yoongi asks that question and suddenly he's afraid that he's read the jokes wrong and there's nothing kindred about their situations at all. He's made a mistake and maybe Yoongi doesn't hate him but he'll be angry for Seokin's presumptions. His stomach drops out from inside of him and he nervously grips the edge of the table.

"The way you were joking around with me last night," he says, heart racing. "I thought..." Seokjin almost wants to give up, to somehow cancel this without further conversation. Wishes he could go back and undo this moment. His vision goes dark at the edges, like a tunnel, but Seokjin makes himself breathe. He can't run away from this. Another breath and the tunnel opens back up.

"I wondered if you made the same kind of jokes because you aren't straight. Like me."

"Oh," Yoongi says, a weak, fluttering sound, and for a moment, he feels like he might pass out. If Seokjin has seen through him... Well, it's not like he was particularly trying to hide from the others. He also just thought they'd read it as jokes and nothing else, the kind of thing any friend might tease about. It seemed like a safe way to express himself without actually coming out. But if Jin guessed, the others might have, too.

That's fine, he tells himself, it's okay. They don't care. They don't care about Taehyung; they won't care about him or Jin.

"I'm not," he says, cheeks burning, a little strangled. He could lie about it, but he doesn't want to, not to Jin. The idea of even trying to deny it turns his stomach, though he knows he will if anyone outside of their circle ever asks. "Straight. I'm not... I'm bisexual, too." It comes out in a rush, his heart aching, though it's stupid. Jin just came out to him. He's not going to judge.

Yoongi still might be dying right now, though.

He closes his eyes, forces a deep breath. "I've never said it before."

Jin flinches and finds that he doesn't really feel better for Yoongi having said it. His friend looks, if anything, resigned and Seokjin thinks he'd almost prefer anger, hot-tempered denial. It would all be better than how raw he looks.

"I'm sorry," he says, his hands still death gripping the edge of the table. "I shouldn't have said anything." Yoongi isn't ready and now he's been selfish in forcing him to come out. When Yoongi exhales, Seokjin risks a glance at his face and he can't read what shape it's taken but he doesn't feel good.

"You're the first person I've told in all of Korea."

Yoongi shakes his head, emphatic, before he can figure out his words. The last thing he wants is Seokjin's pity or for him to feel bad he said anything. He should get to be out, even if only with one person. The whole thing has just seemed so ridiculously impossible to Yoongi for so long that he hasn't really considered it an option for himself.

If Jin hadn't said anything, he's not sure when he ever would have done so himself. If he would have.

"You're the first person I've told in the world," he says, trying to affect a wryness he doesn't currently feel. "It's okay." That, at least, he means. "Once my heart stops trying to climb out of my mouth. I'm fine, sorry."

Edited 2018-12-06 07:19 (UTC)

Yoongi's reassurances make him feel somehow worse. He's only telling Seokjin because he started this and they could both have stayed in painful, hidden safety. Seokjin sort of wishes, still, that he could undo it except that he can feel it in his heart. Even through the fear and the nervousness, it feels less constricted.

"Don't be sorry," he says. "You didn't have to tell me and I shouldn't have said it like that." Shouldn't have and yet he's so relieved. He's told someone and he's also not alone.

Yoongi shakes his head. "I don't want to lie," he says. "Not if I don't have to." There are times when he has to. He can never tell his father, would never want anyone outside of their circle to know. Not while he's still in high school at least. Maybe once he goes to university, things might be a little different, but he hardly dares to imagine that.

Here, though, at least, for however long he's in Jin's apartment, he doesn't have to lie, even by omission. It's still frightening, but the fact of that is slowly sinking in.

Someone sees him and it's okay. Nothing has broken. He's still breathing.

"Do you think the others know? About us?"

"I don't either," he says. The problem is that it's become second nature to the point that if his father asks him a straightforward instinct, Seokjin's answer is still to blunt the truth in some way. Sometimes he feels as if he doesn't know how to be straightforward anymore. Definitely, he doesn't know how to be straight. The joke is bad enough that he doesn't say it out loud, just smiles to himself.

As to Yoongi's question, Seokjin can only shrug. "I think if someone were to guess, it'd be Taehyung. And since he hasn't said anything..." He'd wager they're still safe. "I can tell you for sure Namjoon probably doesn't know. But only because he's so busy meditating on the universe, he misses what's in front of him."

Yoongi rolls his eyes, huffing out a laugh. "Sounds right," he admits. His next instinct is to ask if Seokjin thinks Jungkook might have guessed, but he decides against it. He doesn't want to make it clear where his affections lie. Besides, if Jungkook notices, then their piano lessons will probably end, so he can only assume the other boy hasn't yet guessed. At least if Taehyung figures it out, he won't be bothered by the information.

He's quiet for a few long moments, leaning against the table, finally buckling down to rest his head on his arms. "I don't want to hide from them either," he says. "I just... don't really know how not to." It's not like he has any hang-ups about whether or not he's morally in the right here, but everyone else around him might disagree, and he's gotten so used to hiding, he wouldn't know how to start to be out.

Seokjin takes some rice crackers off the plate and sets them onto the table in front of him but it's more for the sake of having something to rearrange and worry about than to eat. One by one, he switches them around like a game of three-card Monte, unsure of what he's trying to find or who's being tricked.

"I don't either. I've lived my whole life keeping up appearances." He's learned to smile like he means it, to laugh like he's genuinely pleased, to cover up mild distress with blown out drama. Anything but the truth.

It's a gift, Yoongi thinks, a token of a trust he maybe doesn't deserve, that Seokjin is talking to him at all. He's not blind. He can see the way that smile falters sometimes or the falseness of it, the way Jin goes through the motions in a manner larger than life. It's not that his friend is false or a liar; he just hides. Yoongi can't fault him for that when he hides, too. The fact that he's been able to cut through that somehow and get to this moment means a lot.

"I don't..." He shrugs. "I don't really think they'd be upset or anything. Not our friends. Other people, but not them. But sometimes... I just worry anyway." That they would care, or else that it would change things somehow, the dynamics of the group shifting subtly as they change how they behave around him.

"It's still scary," Seokjin says. It's a tight, quick summary of everything they've said and can't yet say. Knowing that his friends don't have a problem with the idea of bisexuality in the abstract is one thing. It's another to actually put them on the spot and see how they react when they have to share the room with one.

And when a person is as obsessed with appearances as he is? Seokjin spends a lot of time thinking about, worrying over those scenarios.

"I was scared to tell you."

Yoongi can't fault him for that either or, for once, take it as any kind of reflection of himself. He was just terrified to say the words, even with Seokjin already out and suspecting. Saying it into the void, hoping for the best, that must have been frightening as fuck. Yoongi's pretty sure he's not brave enough to do something like that.

"Well, I know now," he says. "That's something, right?" And Seokjin knows about him. There's one person in the world who knows his secret and he doesn't have to be alone with it anymore. It's going to take some getting used to, but he thinks — hopes — this is a good thing.

Seokjin nods and lets himself exhale the breath he feels like he's been holding with his entire soul. "It's a big something." He risks putting an arm around Yoongi, hugging his friend sideways.

The opposite is also true for Yoongi. Now Seokjin knows. Now he's not alone with that.

"I did actually ask you over to study if you wanted but..." But who cares now. "Want to have something delivered and find a stupid drama to watch?"

The responsible thing to do would be to study, of course. But after all of this, Yoongi is feeling a little drained, and the idea of just relaxing for a while is too appealing to resist.

"Yeah," he says, nodding, "that sounds good. What do you want to get?" Truthfully, though he wouldn't say as much, he actually enjoys stupid dramas. Sometimes when he's down, the mindless predictability of them is all he can handle watching.

"Pasta," he says, because difficult and emotional confessions require carbohydrates that have been overwrought with cheese. It's got to be a law somewhere, right? "With mm. Some kind of meat. I want beef maybe?" It goes unspoken that he can afford it. And he feels guilty enough about this whole thing to treat Yoongi.

"What drama should we watch?"

"That sounds really good," Yoongi says. He can't even bring himself to feel bad about taking advantage of Seokjin's generosity. He wouldn't offer if he couldn't afford it, and, anyway, Yoongi knows there's no point in arguing that it's unnecessary. "Let's do that. Um..." He shakes his head, shrugs. "I don't know what to watch. Something lighter." He doesn't need something overly serious right now. Some kind of ridiculous romance sounds about perfect.

"Rooftop Prince?" Seokjin proposes. "Strong Girl Boon-Jong? Shut Up! Flower Boy Band?" The last one is a tease. The whole Flower series of dramas seemed largely designed to focus on eye candy rather than anything of actual consequence but, well, they both like men. So why not?

Yoongi scoffs at the last offering. It's not like any of the dramas have much in the way of substance, but right now, he needs something he can be a little more invested in. Cute guys will only go so far in keeping his mind from wandering too much. "Let's do Strong Girl," he says. "Are we making the food or ordering?"

When he says we, of course, he mostly means Jin. One of these days, maybe he'll make Jin teach him how to cook, but he doubts he'd be any good at it.

"Ordering," he says. Now that the worst of the confessions is done with, Seokjin feels light enough to return to his usual levels of drama. "I'm too emotional to cook!" To make a point of how emotional he is, Seokjin grabs a cracker off the plate and steps back to the couch, dropping into its plush embrace like a doll.

He lounges there for a moment before rolling over to find his television remote so he can find the promised drama.

Yoongi rolls his eyes, but he's smiling even so. Seokjin's dramatics may verge on too much now and then, but right now, there's a certain relief in the levity that comes with them. They're okay. He has to keep telling himself that, because it feels a little like the sky should have come crashing down just because they said the words aloud, but it won't. Every passing moment that proves true, he feels a little lighter.

"I wouldn't want your feelings to compromise the food," he says wryly. "So that's for the best."

"Come here," Seokjin says, making room in his sprawl for Yoongi to join him, even lean on him. They've curled together before, the warmth between them entirely platonic. Why should it be any different now? Seokjin would be a little heartbroken, honestly, if that was the thing to change.

"Let's do Mr. Pizza. They have pasta and fries and everything. What do you want?" Seokjin has already made his case for pasta but if they do this chain, they'll have options.

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